


baby, you make my love explode: a curse of never ending testicular explosion and instantaneous death

by russianpotatofarm



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Every Slang Term for Penis Ever, Fuck Akaashi, Kuroo and Bokuto Get Married, M/M, g-eazy, no I love him, seriously tw for suicide and dick explosion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 12:53:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9608390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/russianpotatofarm/pseuds/russianpotatofarm
Summary: Bokuto Koutarou has known since he was a child he was not like other boys.There’s always something. His incredible skill with sports, his wild hair, his rowdy nature. But if he’s totally honest with himself, that’s not why they call him different.It’s his massive donger.--0--a modern fairy tale in which bokuto koutarou is cursed: everyone he touches sexually dies instantly. their dick explodes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lillylourocks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lillylourocks/gifts).



Bokuto Koutarou has known since he was a child he was not like other boys.

There’s always something. His incredible skill with sports, his wild hair, his rowdy nature. But if he’s totally honest with himself, that’s not why they call him different.

It’s his massive donger.

When Koutarou was born, the nurses all passed out upon taking in the sight of his wanger. The doctor, though seasoned and experienced, crossed himself and whispered, “MASAKAAAAAA,” then, also, passed out. His mother had accidentally had contact with his member during the birth and as soon as she could see her son safely born, Mrs. Bokuto died instantly. Her dick exploded. His father had since been afraid to have contact with him and had put him up for adoption. Bokuto hasn’t seen his father since, but that’s okay. He understands. His father had done what he must to protect himself. Koutarou knows he is not an easy child to love.

He’d kept it quiet throughout the first portion of his schooling. He’d been unable to go to a traditional preschool, because if anyone had touched his moisture and heat seaking venomous throbbing python of love while changing him, they would die instantly. Their dicks would explode. Instead he suffered alone at the orphanage, afraid to love another human being. When he entered middle school, he changed alone in the bathroom for fear of his classmates tripping and falling upon his mayo-shooting hot dog gun. One time, a teacher had gotten angry with him for this practice. To punish him, the schoolteacher punched him in the crotch. He died instantly. His dick exploded. 

Koutarou spent most of his life lonely. In high school (because he lives in America now) he and his long time girlfriend of five days had been getting ~hot and heavy~ when she seductively muttered, “Can I touch your purple helmeted warrior of love?” Before Koutarou could protest, she snaked her wiley hands into his underwear and molested his pig skin bus. She died instantly. Her dick exploded. 

Koutarou slowly learned that if he were to love another being, they would die instantly. Their dick would explode.

That, however, was before he met Kuroo Tetsurou.

Tetsurou was unlike any other generic hockey jock he knew. He listened to G-Eazy, he moisturized every night before bed, and his hair was naturally shitty looking. Koutarou, who put a lot of effort into making his hair look shitty, was astounded. Tetsurou was just… so cool. He instantly wanted to be closer to Kuroo, but he was afraid- what if he died instantly? Would his dick explode?

One day, Tetsurou sidled up next to him during hockey practice. “Hey,” he murmured, because the only way he spoke was through murmurs, because some of the people in the Haikyuu tag are unaware there is another way. “Bro, I uh. I’ve been thinking a lot, and…. Do you, like. Wanna get married?”

Bokuto was shocked! “I can’t,” he said, though his heart was tearing in two. “I’m afraid… What if you died instantly? Would your dick explode?”

“What the fuck are you smoking?” Tetsurou said. “No one could explode my beef whistle. I’m too strong!”

“Every time I’ve touched someone… you know, THERE,” Koutarou said, “their easy rider exploded. I’m afraid to hurt you! And most of all, to love.”

Tetsurou removed his hockey clothes and touched Koutarou’s face gently. “To have my dick exploded by you,” Tetsurou whispered, “would be an honor.”

That, Koutarou realized, was the beginning of the end.

FAST FORWARD

It’s the day of Koutarou’s wedding. He is dressed in his finest hockey clothes, ready to wed the bro love of his life, Kuroo Tetsurou. His best man, Akaashi Keiji, is fucking pissed. Recently, Koutarou had touched his dick and guess the fuck what? He died instantly. His dick exploded.

Now, Keiji was a dead dick ghost. 

“Thanks for exploding my dick, asshole,” Keiji said.

“Dude, I’m like, sorry,” Koutarou said. “Don’t be like, shoving your dick in my face.”

Keiji narrowed his eyes, because he seems to do that a lot. “My schlong was out,” he muttered. “I assumed it was safe from people of your….  _ ilk.”  _

“Bro,” Koutarou said, “what does that even mean?”

He was distracted from expanding his vocabulary, though. His lovely husband to be was walking down the aisle wearing nothing but a pair of basketball shorts, the kind you get when you order a Tsukishima cosplay. Not that the author has ever done that. Koutarou was instantly overwhelmed with the need to ravish him as soon as he caught a glimpse of those sculpted calves, and those bulging quads, and the perfect bod and oh my god take your pants off (sorry that’s copyright probably)

Because his disco stick was immediately Rock Hard, Koutarou punched Keiji in the face and yelled, “The wedding is over!” he ran to Tetsurou and scooped him up in his arms and kicked Keiji in the crotch for good measure. “Suck a dick, Keiji!” he yelled. (side note he’s great i just felt like someone had to,. Yknow knock him down a peg)

Koutarou carried his lover and not-yet husband through the venue (they were getting married in a Sports Authority even though they closed down last year. This is a blast from the past.) He ran all the way to the hotel they had booked for the wedding, even though the only person they had invited was Keiji and he was now being taken to the hospital for severe dick injuries. As he arrived in the honeymoon suite, he deposited his bf on the bed.

“Now we can finally get down to business,” Koutarou said, sexily. He removed the outfit he had chosen for the wedding, which was actually just swim trunks and a Naruto headband, but the swim trunks were really cool looking. As he knelt on the bed naked, Tetsurou removed his Tsukishima themed basketball shorts and the incredibly expensive shoes he was wearing, because as every self respecting jock knows you gotta wear super expensive shoes and then throw a bitch fit when they inevitably get dirty. Never trust a jock. They love their shoes more than they love you.

Tetsurou smirked, also sexily, up at Koutarou. “Maybe I can suck your pengis,” he said, reminiscent of Rouge the bat, I believe her name is. This got Koutarou ROCK hard. His baloney pony swelled with the passion and rage of a billion dying suns. Without prep or lube or anything that normal human beings require for anal sex, he rammed his steamin’ semen roadway into Kuroo Tetsurou.

Then he remembered.

But it was too late, because Tetsurou died instantly. As Koutarou watched, his dick exploded.

Tetsurou’s dick exploded in a fiery explosion. His testicles ruptured. Fuckin ruptured. Like an overcooked hot dog. I can’t believe I’m writing this. 

Koutarou wept.


	2. EPILOGUE: ONE YEAR LATER

As Koutarou stood over the grave of his ex lover, he shed a gentle, manly tear. 

He’d had a year to recover from the events of his ill fated wedding, and he had learned a great deal since. 

  1. Do not stick your dick in things
  2. Don’t punch Keiji in the dick, since he is still in the hospital. It’s been a fucking YeAR and the dude still hasn’t recovered from Koutarou’s meaty fist striking his tallywhacker. Koutarou still visits him in the hospital sometimes, and then Keiji has him forcibly removed by security. 



But all the knowledge he had gained could not bring his bf back from the dead, and Koutarou was starting to accept that. He was listening to a lot of late 2000’s emo pop, and the dulcet tones of the Gerard man from My Chemical Romance was starting to sooth him a little bit. Koutarou was slowly learning that there was a life for him without his one true bro.

There was a future for Bokuto, too. He had since found a use for his terrible power. When he had an off night from his job at Subway, he went to raves and slept with those who sold drugs to minors, because drug use is dangerous when your brain is developing. If you’ve been paying attention, you may be able to infer what happens next. They die instantly. Their dicks have exploded. 

Koutarou was damaged, sure. He had a mighty who who dilly that murdered the greatest bro love of his life (actually you know what just love. Please consider accepting romantic bokukuro into your life. That’s the whole fucking point of this fic. Please think about it past bro handjobs, which are great, but this is MORE Than that. Koutarou’s love killed Tetsurou, not just his yogurt slinger. That’s the second point of this fic. Never love anyone. Fuckin sucks.) but he, and Keiji, whenever he was not kicking Koutarou out of the hospital, and everyone he hadn’t invited to his wedding, and actually he has no friends, and he’s just realizing this,

Koutarou reached into his pants and touched his own pink tractor beam, for the first time in his life.

His dick exploded. He died instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope u enjoyed this

**Author's Note:**

> yeah. there's that. I wrote this in an hour and i crave death  
> credit to lillylourocks for looking up the terms for "penis," making the playlist for this, and making me read bdsm yoongi/jungkook fic until i lost my sanity and was forced to write this  
> thanks for reading I'm so sorry you had to experience whatever this is


End file.
